Confusion reigns

19 May 2004

I end up at a psychodrama class to night. I say ended because I only popped in to drop off some books to the library at ATCP.

I’d had some confusing calls during the day about classes being on, so I went in just in case I was still confused (about the class being on or off). It was on.

It was an unusual class. I wasn’t really expecting to attend class I wasn’t warmed up (in the way that I usually am) for class. I was strangely disengaged. Of course, that could be related to the other things that are going on for me. But I did leave feeling somewhat unsatisfied. All the more so, because Vivienne had challenged me with a line like “Are you getting what you deserve? Are you going for gold in your life?”

I found these two seemingly simple questions difficult to answer, and actually, I didn’t answer them in any meaningful way. I recall that I called my answer “unsatisfying”. It was then, and it still is now.

Having slept on it for a while, it occurs to me that I tend to take two different roles. Firstly, there is the happy rambler, cheerfully wandering through life, finding enjoyment in most things. Secondly, there is the focused achiever, determined reach whatever goal he wants. The interesting thing is the focused achiever sometimes pretends to be the happy rambler (especially, when things aren’t going as expected), and sometimes the focused achiever is subsumed by the other. I suppose that only having these two roles is limiting, so I wonder how my role repertoire in these areas can be expanded.